Anspgelike 4 Child's Play
by SlashAS
Summary: Angel and Spike decide to pay a visit to the Hyperion but on the way there, their car runs out of gas. They end up in the back of a taxi with an enchanted killer doll. How will they escape? Unconventionally of course.


_Anspgelike 4_

_Child's Play_

_Angel and Spike are stuck in a traffic jam, they are in the viper._

_Angel: Spike?_

_Spike: Yeh_

_Angel: Lean back and feel the cool, new leather seats._

_Spike: Yeh they're really nice, so why can't I have one?_

_Angel: Because I am the boss and you're not._

_Spike: So shouldn't you like, have a chauffer to drive you?_

_Angel: If I did it certainly wouldn't be you._

_Spike: Shit, not going to get around it that way._

_Angel: You live at work, you don't need a car._

_Spike: I don't like to walk, and I want to go places outside your little resettlement for Spike program._

_Angel: I've not mentioned any such thing._

_Spike: Then why is it that you insist on making me stay here in this hell of a hole?_

_Angel: LA is not a hell hole._

_Spike: Well, yeh it's full of shiny lights and the pit's full of money, but it's still a joint for pathetic losers with no direction in life._

_Angel: That pretty much sums up your description, maybe LA's the perfect place for you Spike._

_Spike: Shut your big mouth._

_Angel: You can find some direction in life._

_Spike: Look I know where I'm headed, good ol' Europe._

_Angel: That would be marvellous, at least I wouldn't have put up with your constant prescence. You were a prescence quite recently weren't you?_

_Spike: Is it insult Mr ex-ghost day today or something ?_

_Angel: No it's just that I want you to pay attention to me. We are heading to the hotel, you know, the old headquaters, been some trouble there._

_Spike: I thought Wolf and Ram's Hart was the only headquarters you were ever bothered about?_

_Angel: The memories are quite strong, you know, but we have to complete our mission to make the world a better place._

_Spike: Yup home sweet home, but at least in the Gem I didn't actually have to do anything. I could just be a nosy parker and watch you guys play hero all day._

_Angel: Could you really see through that thing?_

_Spike: Could I heck? Believe me Hell would be more exiting._

_Angel: Why don't you go there then and leave me to atone alone?_

_Spike: I don't think I could leave you home alone, cos just so lately I know that you'd try and take on the robbers without me and I'd miss all the fun. I loved that film, Little Kevin Macallister hitting Marv with a paint tin, I would so love to do that._

_Angel: Well if you want to we can stop off at the playground and you can have some fun with all your little kindergarten friends._

_Spike: What do you think I am to go playing with kids?_

_Angel: An asshole._

_Spike: Look, I just want some damn fun, but not in a non adult way._

_Angel: You've got an Xbox, what more do you want?_

_Spike: I can't beat the damn monkey with the barrels, and New Legends sucks big time, so can you please give me a break, or a new game or something or other?_

_Angel: I will educate you on the ways of life as a member of my team, that enough for you?_

_Spike: Anything that doesn't cost you any money, I suppose I should have called you, at least I know how to use a phone, want to teach me that?_

_Angel: Oh no_

_Spike: What's the problem this time Scrooge?_

_Angel: We've run out of gas._

_Spike: Well that's just typical, I told you not to leave the engine running._

_Angel: Stupid Viper._

_Spike: Since you now think the Viper is causing you too much trouble, do you mind if I take it off your hands?_

_Angel: No_

_Spike: Can I have a car?_

_Angel: Okay you can have a car_

_Spike: Yeh right on._

_Angel: But it's coming out of your pay._

_Spike: What pay?_

_Angel: If you help me with this mission I'll get you a car._

_Spike: This one?_

_Angel: No._

_Spike: Oh well at least I tried. Get me a Mercedes Benz then._

_Angel: You are not having a Benz._

_Spike: Why not?_

_Angel: You can have a less expensive car._

_Spike: Dickens would have had a field day with you if he'd have got to know you._

_Angel: Well we did meet in the 19__th._

_Spike: Whatever, even a Lada will do, just make it so I don't have to walk everywhere._

_Angel: How about mobility scooter?_

_Spike: No, I'm not an old biddy._

_Angel: You're over a hundred._

_Spike: You're way past your pension._

_Angel: So what? What about the bus or train?_

_Spike: I don't like public transport, it's for people who can't drive. I go to all the trouble of stealing a licence of a corpse, changing the photo, getting it renewed every forty years._

_Angel: So?_

_Spike: And I can't even use it, to think I even became an honest citizen this year and actually have insurance._

_Angel: I didn't even know you could get insurance._

_Spike: I'm on the guy's sister's insurance, I got a deal with this demon downtown and he fixed a few things for me, she pays for it all._

_Angel: And you say that I am stingy._

_Spike: So can I have a car?_

_Angel: Let's see your photo first._

_Spike: Look I don't photograph so well, just thank California for 24 hour mini marts._

_Angel: Let's see._

_Spike: If you'll get me a car yes, no car then no deal._

_Angel: Deal, show me then._

_Spike: There you go._

_Angel: Nice hair, you look very aged with your white hair._

_Spike: Hey!_

_Angel: What name does it say, James Masters._

_Spike: It's Marsters, Marsters._

_Angel: What a goofy name!_

_Spike: Well what does your's say?_

_Angel: David Bo. You know what? Let's just get some gas yeh._

_Spike: It's not David Bone is it?_

_Angel: No._

_Spike: Boner?_

_Angel: You're sick Spike._

_Spike: It's a proper name._

_Angel: No it's not that._

_Spike: What the hell does it say? Is it Mexican?_

_Angel: B O R E N A Z._

_Spike: They should do these things phonetically._

_Angel: GAS doesn't have to be spelt phonetically for you to understand what that means._

_Spike: Oh quit it with the hinting._

_Angel: Now I'm a very busy man._

_Spike: Dead man, vamp_

_Angel: Do you always have to be so specific?_

_Spike: Well the nearest petrol station is about five miles away from here._

_Angel: What is petrol?_

_Spike: You yanks are as dumb as you look, really I would have thought seeing British sitcom reruns would have cured that by now._

_Angel: Do I have to add to this list? There are now four things that I don't do, tan, sing, date and watch TV._

_Spike: You old fashioned prat._

_Angel: Can someone please get me some gas?_

_Spike: You already have some._

_Angel: Where?_

_Spike: Up your arse._

_Angel: I haven't had gas in me for over two centuries._

_Spike: Oh I bet you must have farted a hell of a lot when you died then._

_Angel: Stop with the cheek, I guess we'll just have to walk the rest of the way, anyway it's not as far to the hotel as it is to the gas station._

_Spike: Hmm you did know what I meant then._

_Angel: Look there is a taxi over there, lets get in._

_Spike: I don't have any money to pay the fare. I guess I'll have to hitch hike. If I had a car at least I'd always keep her full up._

_Angel: Don't worry I'll get you car with a full tank and you can hurry up and get away from LA._

_Spike: And I can't wait to piss off._

_Angel: I'll pay for us both, I'll show you I'm not such a miser._

_Spike: Finally he admits it, he used to be miserly old man._

_Angel: Oh shut your mouth._

_Spike: Taxi!_

_Angel and Spike get into the taxi._

_Spike: To the hotel driver._

_Angel: Don't talk to the driver that way._

_Spike: You say it then._

_Angel: Hotel please, mind your Ps and Qs._

_Spike: Shut up, now I'm bored._

_Angel: Well then find a way to entertain yourself._

_Spike: (sings) Hail to the taxi man, taxi man, taxi man, hail to the taxi man, taxi driver man._

_Angel: Please don't sing that awful song, really another thing that children do. _

_Spike: You sing it then._

_Angel: No, it's one of the four things on the list. I can't sing, my voice is raspy and I don't know the words. _

_Spike: Oh it's easy, but the words you should sing are. (sings) Hail to the tax man, tax man, tax man, hail to the tax man. The tax man_

_Angel: (sings) Hail to the tax man, tax man, tax man, hail to the tax man, who will knock on Spikey's door cos I shopped him to the IRS._

_Spike: You did what? _

_Angel: When was the last time you paid taxes?_

_Spike: 1890, I thought you didn't sing._

_Angel: If I can make you mad, then breaking one of the rules is worth it._

_Spike: I have no money to pay tax, and officially we don't exist._

_Angel: So it seems, want to join me in a song?_

_Spike: Okay._

_Angel and Spike: Who is the tax man, tax man, tax man, Mr tax man, so hail to the tax man, you don't know who we are._

_Spike: Poor Cordy's family being alive, can't get away with anything. That's one good thing about working for you, everything is covert and tax and duty free._

_Angel: For once I think we are in agreement. Now I've complemented you can you get off my arm._

_Spike: Erm_

_Angel: Please._

_Spike: I didn't touch your arm._

_Angel: Well I felt something._

_Spike: It's probably just the maggots, I suppose they couldn't wait any longer to start eating you away._

_Angel: You sicken me Spike._

_Spike: Alright, I'll stop being so erm descriptive, but, do you have to feel my back to make a point?_

_Angel: I'm not doing anything either, there is something not right here._

_Spike: Are you trying to say that phantom Dennis wanted to come along?_

_Angel: Or is it just that you are having funny feelings towards me?_

_Spike: Hey nothing of the sort, but I do have a thing for your cars._

_Angel: Do you ever shut up about cars?_

_Spike: No, not until I get one._

_Angel: He he he he_

_Spike: What the fuck is up with you?_

_Angel: Ha ha that tickles._

_Spike: The vampire has feelings, what a discovery, he's not such gloom and doom after all?_

_Angel: Spike?_

_Spike: What?_

_Angel: I'm so going to pound you when we get out of this car, he he ha ha, haouch, that hurt._

_Spike: Why are you laughing?_

_Angel: Stop tickling me and pinching me._

_Spike: I didn't tickle you._

_Angel: And_

_Spike: That last bit was me, yeh._

_Angel punches Spike in the face._

_Spike: Hey, what the bloody hell did you do that for?_

_Angel: You shouldn't act so horny._

_Spike: Well, I knew all along I should bugger off and send you to back to Bedlam._

_Angel: Oh the female urges are getting a hold of you._

_Spike: I do like James Blunt, yeh, but Barry Manilow is so camp, you fuckin' lunatic._

_Angel: I think it's you who's in for some shock treatment for getting all queer towards me._

_Spike: Look here, I didn't touch you it was something else._

_Angel: And just what could that be?_

_Spike: Erm_

_Angel: Spike?_

_Spike: I'm thinking._

_Angel: Erm, erm Spike?_

_Spike: Shut up_

_Angel: Jikes, a g-g-g ghost._

_Spike: Oh so Dennis did hitch a ride then._

_Angel: Is Dennis m-m-made of wood?_

_Spike: Well then it's not a ghost is it._

_Angel: It's a doll. _

_Spike: Bloody hell, it's a good guy doll._

_Angel: Driver, erm driver?_

_Spike: Erm, this is a taxi you know, he probably doesn't understand you._

_Angel: Driver stop the car._

_Spike: I Don't think we've actually moved since we got in here._

_Angel: There's a lunatic in the back._

_Spike: What's Pakinstani for a good guy doll that thinks it's Tickle me Elmo?_

_Angel: The lunatic I'm referring to is you dumbass._

_Spike: Angel, there is a doll in the back and if you actually took the time to watch TV then you'd understand that this doll will try to dust us._

_Angel leans over to the driver seat._

_Angel: Can you stop the car please? Spike? Oh no Spike!_

_Spike: What?_

_Angel: The driver he's._

_Spike: You don't have to tell me, since we're in a toy car, the driver must be Action Man._

_Angel: No he's-_

_Spike: Oh so he's Ken is he, I mean no wonder Barbie dumped him if this is his idea of a ride, you'd have thought he'd have at least got a camper van!_

_Angel: You mean RV_

_Spike: Whatever, so what's wrong?_

_Angel: He's dead._

_Spike: Oh bloody hell, you can choose your taxi's can't you. You would pick the taxi for dead guys wouldn't you, really, I'd have thought by now that you could at least pretend that you were still living._

_Angel: Well we're stuck with a cheap market doll with no interchangeable parts, I think that's punishment enough, don't you?_

_Spike: Oh well, I can see that when you were little you would have got the best of everything and your sister would have had a fancy dolls house . My mum was filthy rich and all I had was a whip and top and the complete works of John Milton for Christmas._

_Angel: I wasn't alive in the Victorian days you know, all my father ever gave me for Christmas was a plough and a "that boy is worthless"._

_Spike: Quit it with the sob stories._

_Angel: Oh and why can you writhe in self pity and I can't, I suppose you're going to come up with another sarcastic excuse._

_Spike: The doll's just crept up behind you!_

_Angel: I thought that doll had gone._

_Spike: Nope it's still here._

_Angel: Oh no, oh no._

_Spike: Stay calm._

_Angel: Yes stay calm, calm, yes that's better._

_Spike: Move like a butterfly and sting like a bee._

_Angel: What?_

_Spike: I wasn't talking to you. I was saying that to the doll._

_Angel: What are you trying to do, get me killed?_

_Spike: Something along those lines, yeh._

_Angel: Oh great so I've just got to sit here whilst this doll keeps mm, mangle me moo met._

_Spike: No doll, strangling won't work, you have to put your hand through his heart._

_Angel: Spike melp me!_

_Spike: If you'll get me a female doll I'm sure I could do something._

_Angel: Ouch, ouch ouch._

_Angel bashes the doll against the car doors._

_Angel: It's hopeless._

_Spike: Have you tried playing with him?_

_Angel: Oh yeh that will really work._

_Spike: Maybe he's hungry so give him some pretend food made from playdoh._

_Angel: Just get the bastard off me!_

_Spike: You can get little boxes of play food now in these little supermarket sets, how I wish they had stuff like that when I was little._

_Angel: Oh doll, would you like to play with Mr Spike here, he's much more fun than me._

_The doll jumps off Angel and onto Spike's shoulder._

_Spike: Angel!_

_Angel: Tickle him!_

_Spike: Oh he he he ha ha ha stop it you little piece of plastic wood._

_Angel: Have fun or I'll set the teletubbies on you._

_Spike: No!_

_Angel: And the Fimbles and the Smurfs._

_Spike: I thought you didn't watch TV!_

_Angel: I have a confession to make._

_Spike: Forget that just get this Son of a Sindy Off me!_

_Angel: I like to look in the children's section of the mail order catelogue._

_Spike: I'll pretend I didn't hear that if you call off your doll._

_Angel: Spike?_

_Spike: Help?_

_Angel: If we were children now, I think I'd have Action Man and you'd have GI Joe. Or probably a talking Robocop._

_Spike: With a car, yeh, now get this doll off me!_

_Angel: Help yourself!_

_Spike: Oh Bloody, bloody hell, why must I resort to such violence._

_Spike takes of his shoe and one of his socks._

_Angel: What are you doing?_

_Spike puts his sock on his hand and moves his hand in synchronisation with his words._

_Spike: Oh what's a girl to do, stuck alone in a car with two large muscular vampire men, I guess that toy men just aren't good enough for a sexy girl like me._

_Angel: What are you doing?_

_Spike: Play along dumbass._

_Spike coughs_

_Spike: I mean, I think that guy with the brown hair is an immature pervert, oh won't someone save me!_

_Angel: Hey._

_Spike: Play along._

_Spike coughs_

_Spike: Sorry, I have a split personality disorder , oh get away from me you creep._

_Angel: Oh come here baby and give me a kiss._

_Spike: No! Count Smackhislipswhenhekissesula is going to kidnap me!_

_Angel: Mwahahaha._

_The doll doesn't respond._

_Angel: I don't think this is going anywhere, just a minute._

_Angel takes off his sock and puts it on his hand and moves his hand in synchronisation with his words._

_Angel: Hey I'll save you!_

_Angel punches himself with the sock hand._

_Angel: Ow, I have knocked the villain unconscious and now let us go and live forever in a large toy law firm in LA._

_Spike: No you creep, I want to live with this sexy blonde man here._

_Angel: I will save you from this manipulative monster, he has you in his clutches and want's you for his sexual slave._

_Spike: No I don't believe you, Spike is my master and he can get me into all the trashy bars in town. Cos I'm such a slag tart bag that I need someone who loves me for my taste in red lipstick and short mini skirts._

_Angel: Do you want money my sweet?_

_Spike: Oh, I want lots of money, and I want to marry an old fart who'll leave me all his millions._

_Spike speaks in his own voice_

_Spike: Oh you don't need money to live the high life love, we can travel the world in Angel's viper and get so pissed our time together will just fly by and you can forget all the affairs that I'll have._

_Spike changes his voice again._

_Spike: Oh I love you Spike!_

_Angel: No, come and live with me, I have money, lots and lots of money and employees._

_Spike: No, I'm gonna live with my sugar daddy and have a good time!_

_Angel: But I have money, sir I challenge you to a duel._

_Angel slaps Spike with the sock._

_Spike: Ow, I mean, oh my god what a sissy hero, I'm gonna live with you and inherit all your money, you old fart._

_Angel: Erm now we have to._

_Spike: Ew, I don't want to._

_Angel and Spike hold their socked hands together._

_Spike: Oh my, you smell of BO, help!_

_Angel: Ha ha, my powerful smell will put you into a trance and I will use you for my evil plans._

_The doll attacks Angel's hand and removes the socks from both Angel and Spikes hands._

_Spike: Oh my hero._

_The doll runs out of the Taxi hugging the sock._

_Spike: Bloody hell._

_Angel: Let's get out of here and let's never speak of this to anyone._

_Spike and Angel leave the taxi._

_Spike: What about the dead guy?_

_Angel: I'll call the team, they'll sort it._

_Spike: I guess we should walk all the rest of the way._

_Angel: Yeh and Spike, Don't tell anyone about tonight._

_Spike: I was planning to unless._

_Angel: Yes you can have one of my cars, but not the viper._

_Spike: Damn._

_Angel: Be grateful I'm in a good mood after what you made me do._

_Spike: Angel?_

_Angel: What's wrong now?_

_Spike: You don't think there was a camera in that taxi do you?_

_Angel: Oh no, the new regulation taxi's!_

_Spike: Don't worry, get your cronies to sort it out._

_Angel: Is this the first time that you've ever agreed with Wolfram and Hart policy._

_Spike: Yes, as I am also in deep shit if this ever got out._

_Angel: Thank you Lyla._

_Spike: Yes thank you Lyla, whoever she is?_

_Angel: You don't want to know._

_Spike: At least in the end I've got the mail order catelogue material._

_Angel: And the fact I caught Spike amusing Harmony with sock puppets._

_Spike: Oh bloody, bloody hell._


End file.
